40 hrs

So I made it a full 40 hours before I broke my fast. I'm pretty proud. I lost 2 full lbs in this fast. I am now at 135.8 lbs.

I'm still really fuckin fat, but I'm getting somewhere and that makes me happy. I'm hoping that I can drop to 100 by january 2nd (my birthday), but I know that's not quite likely. I'm trying though.

I haven't screwed up majorly yet, minus the stupid mexican restaurant that made me gain .2 lbs..

Other than that though, I haven't gained a thing. I've been losing every day. So I know I'm going to get somewhere. If I don't reach 100, I'll be fairly close.

I'm really just tired of being the fat one... I mean, I guess I know I'm not huge, but sometimes I really think that I am. =/ That's why I'm doing this. This way I can feel good about my body. I wear a size 3 right now. I'm hoping to get to a 0 by the time I'm done! Or at least a 1. That would be awesome too.

I haven't fit into those sizes in like a year or 2.. I'm working hard. I think I'll make it. I'd love some support though...

I went to someone I knew had been ana-mia for YEARS, but I really wasn't sure if she was back at it again, because she had a baby not too long ago.. But I thought she might have been because she dropped a lot of weight fast. So I talked to her and told her.. and apparently she "isn't" but all she eats is like 200 cal a day. I'm thinking she's headed back again... So I told her what I was doing.. and it backfired. She got all upset... Lectured me... then told me that she wishes I would stop... and that she'd be there for me if I wanted to.... I love that girl to death... but the problem is, I don't want to stop... But I don't want to hurt her.. So my plan is to never let her see me suffer.. When I'm fasting, I want to make sure she doesn't know it. I want her to just see me happy and that way I can convince her that I really am fine and that I'm staying healthy enough to do this...

But last night was bad and she was there... I had this massive headache and I kept like... blacking out and almost passing out.. And a couple of times I had to hold onto her shoulder to keep from falling... She got really worried...

I swear I'll never let her see me like that again... It makes me feel awful to be hurting people I love. That's why my boyfriend doesn't know a thing....