40 hrs

So I made it a full 40 hours before I broke my fast. I'm pretty proud. I lost 2 full lbs in this fast. I am now at 135.8 lbs.

I'm still really fuckin fat, but I'm getting somewhere and that makes me happy. I'm hoping that I can drop to 100 by january 2nd (my birthday), but I know that's not quite likely. I'm trying though.

I haven't screwed up majorly yet, minus the stupid mexican restaurant that made me gain .2 lbs..

Other than that though, I haven't gained a thing. I've been losing every day. So I know I'm going to get somewhere. If I don't reach 100, I'll be fairly close.

I'm really just tired of being the fat one... I mean, I guess I know I'm not huge, but sometimes I really think that I am. =/ That's why I'm doing this. This way I can feel good about my body. I wear a size 3 right now. I'm hoping to get to a 0 by the time I'm done! Or at least a 1. That would be awesome too.

I haven't fit into those sizes in like a year or 2.. I'm working hard. I think I'll make it. I'd love some support though...

I went to someone I knew had been ana-mia for YEARS, but I really wasn't sure if she was back at it again, because she had a baby not too long ago.. But I thought she might have been because she dropped a lot of weight fast. So I talked to her and told her.. and apparently she "isn't" but all she eats is like 200 cal a day. I'm thinking she's headed back again... So I told her what I was doing.. and it backfired. She got all upset... Lectured me... then told me that she wishes I would stop... and that she'd be there for me if I wanted to.... I love that girl to death... but the problem is, I don't want to stop... But I don't want to hurt her.. So my plan is to never let her see me suffer.. When I'm fasting, I want to make sure she doesn't know it. I want her to just see me happy and that way I can convince her that I really am fine and that I'm staying healthy enough to do this...

But last night was bad and she was there... I had this massive headache and I kept like... blacking out and almost passing out.. And a couple of times I had to hold onto her shoulder to keep from falling... She got really worried...

I swear I'll never let her see me like that again... It makes me feel awful to be hurting people I love. That's why my boyfriend doesn't know a thing....

30 hr fast

After the weight gain I decided I had to fast today. I didn't hydrate myself enough today.. I almost passed out at work. I'm barely able to function right now... =/ It's been a while since Ive done this.

I'll be fine in the morning though. I've already lost .6 lbs before going to bed.. that's decent enough. So I think tomorrow's weight loss in the morning will make me feel better. I'm sure the fast will be worth it.

"Hunger hurts but starving works." I believe that wholeheartedly. I have to go to bed now though... I'm exhausted. Goodnight.

Horrible.

It looks like it's gunna be a zero cal day.... I went from 137.6 to 137.8. Stupid fucking tacos.

Quick update...

Dad went downstairs to watch tv... I got to purge.

Total disaster

I fell off the wagon about a year ago.. since, I've gained quite a bit of weight. Believe it or not, as far as heath sites go, I am officially 20 lbs overweight. I weigh in at 137.6 (today) and am only 5'2". This is after getting back onto the wagon about a week ago. I've only lost 5 lbs or so, but I'm working at it.

The problem with starting over?

Control.

I lost my control. I have yet to fast... I'm working into it slowly. I set a 1000 cal a day diet plan. On days that I mess up and pass it, I either go for a 500 cal day, or if I REALLY cross the line and it causes weight GAIN, I plan to fast. Once I've gotten this 1000 cal thing down, I plan to stay at 500 on the reg.

I lost it today.. I don't look forward to seeing my scale tomorrow. I lost it yesturday too, so today was supposed to be a 500 cal day. I was at 360 when my mom asked me to go out to dinner with her... God knows how much was in the 2 (very full) tacos I ate tonight... That was very possibly 1000 cals in itself.. I feel like a failure.. I went to purge and my dad was downstairs, within hearing distance.

I excercised a lot today (as compared to my norm...), but I'm still pretty sure that I may have gained today.. I'm scared. I don't remember how to control myself.

Any suggestions as to how I can possibly gain that control back? I need it. I have a goal of 100 lbs to meet. 37.6 lbs. I can do it. I know I can.. I've done it before. I need support. Help me.